The Fourth Pallbearer

IMG_1438(1)Planning Joshua’s funeral was horrible. No one wants to think about planning their child’s funeral service. All the decisions, all the expenses, all the talk about embalming and caskets. It’s like planning a wedding except you only get a week or two, you are in a cloud of grief and shock, and at the end, instead of a honeymoon, you go back to an empty nursery.

The funeral director asked us about pallbearers. I immediately thought of Andy and I’s brothers. Andy has two and I have two, except one is in heaven. We asked if she thought we needed four or if we could just do three. She recommended four, I think just to have an even number. However, as I began to think about it, I honestly felt like God gave me this special thought. Joshua’s three uncles would be his pallbearers, carrying his earthly body to it’s resting place. However, his fourth uncle, would carry Joshua into heaven. It was a comforting thought to me to know that Joshua was not only welcomed into heaven by Jesus but that his own uncle was waiting there for him. And not only his uncle, but a sibling and a cousin as well.

Recently the song, “What a Beautiful Name It Is” has been bringing me to tears whenever I hear it. Oh my sweet Jesus and how my soul longs to be with Him. When I allow Jesus to love me and I let down the wall I sometimes build between us when I just don’t understand His ways, there’s no greater love I feel than His. No greater longing I have than to be with Him and in a perfect place where we are whole, emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.

I used to say, I don’t want Jesus to come back yet, I want to get married, have kids, and the list goes on. And don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being married and having children and I look forward to watching them grow and so many things in this life. However, I’ve come to this place where I’ve accepted that at no point will this life ever be perfect. There will always be struggles, trials, loss, health issues, etc. and that heaven, it’s going to be greater, more amazing, more fun, just MORE than any of our BEST moments here on earth. We all know that in our heads but do we really know it in our souls? Having a child whose gone before me, makes heaven that much more comforting and exciting. This week Joshua welcomed another little cousin into heaven. I hope they are all having a party up there, but here we are forced to keep walking with heads held high, watching and waiting expectantly for the day we wake up and look upon the creator of the universe.

Keep walking my friends, or should I say, just keep swimming:) This is only temporary. We have eternity waiting for us.


3 thoughts on “The Fourth Pallbearer

  1. Beautiful words, Ashley. And the song…words to bring us all comfort, joy and a longing too great to explain. We continue to lift you all up in our prayers. What a day it will be when we are together with Christ. Keep the journal journey coming. You have more words to share. We love you.


  2. Beautiful, heartfelt words Ashley. I love your writings….. Even thru my tears. I too believe your brother, John was the 4th pal bearer… He definately was there. Hugs & prayers. ❤️🙏👐❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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