Five years ago today, I woke up to find your warm body, still. After waking up suddenly, lurching out of bed, I still believe it was my soul sensing yours had left. I still wish you were here. Your gap in our lives is blaring to me every time I count your siblings to make … Continue reading Five years in paradise
Child Loss
The Dichotomy of Spring: Grief and Hope
As soon as the air starts turning warm and the first signs of spring start emerging, I feel it in my bones. Before my mind even catches on to what's happening, my body remembers. I start feeling anxious, nostalgic, sad because with the arrival of spring comes the cascade of memories. The odd thing is, … Continue reading The Dichotomy of Spring: Grief and Hope
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Thank you, but I’m not strong.
Many people throughout my life have said to me at one time or another, "You are so strong". Thank you. Truly, to the friends and strangers who have said that I am strong, thank you. I know you mean it as a genuine compliment. However, I know myself. I know I don't possess a strength … Continue reading Thank you, but I’m not strong.
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Not in vain
Why am I so quick to forget? To forget the lessons you taught me. I'm so sorry. As I stood in the shower filled with anxiety over something that has proven to be a common trigger for me, I felt like I had been hit on the head with my cast iron skillet. It's as … Continue reading Not in vain
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I still see you
I see you in that preschool hallway, dropping you off for your first day, and playing with your brother at recess, while sharing snacks on the drive home. I see you wrestling with your older brother and climbing into your baby brother's crib. I see you jumping into the pool with your water wings … Continue reading I still see you
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Watching the sun rise
Have you ever had those mornings in your life when you wake up and feel like you're stuck in a bad dream? Like your worst nightmare has become your reality? Like there's this shadow that can't, won't go away? His nose, it was so perfect. And his beautiful wafer like lips. His pronounced jawline just … Continue reading Watching the sun rise
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Older Than You Ever Were
Sixteen. The age my oldest brother died. I remember it being such a peculiar feeling when I turned sixteen, thinking about what it would be like if that was my last year of life, as it was for my brother. Then it was an even sadder, stranger feeling when I turned seventeen. I was now … Continue reading Older Than You Ever Were
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Jude Comes Home
My sweet son is here, Jude Daniel Glader. He's almost four weeks old as I write this. He's beautiful and healthy. Healthy. One word I took for granted with my first two babies and one word I will never take for granted again. Before and after I delivered Jude, I fielded the question, "Is this … Continue reading Jude Comes Home
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Tangible love for the invisible
As I look around at all of the gifts for care baskets accumulating and occupying more and more space in our office/playroom, I am reminded that without you, none of this would be here. It's not something we would have done anyway. Fundraising, shopping for great deals, preparing and delivering care baskets for families with … Continue reading Tangible love for the invisible
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The Pain and the Pretending
I don't talk about my dead son for sympathy votes or for attention. I don't talk about him to make you feel awkward. I want to talk about my son because he was, and always will be, my son. Parents typically love talking about their kids. That doesn't change just because they go up to … Continue reading The Pain and the Pretending
Living with Moxie 