Many people throughout my life have said to me at one time or another, "You are so strong". Thank you. Truly, to the friends and strangers who have said that I am strong, thank you. I know you mean it as a genuine compliment. However, I know myself. I know I don't possess a strength … Continue reading Thank you, but I’m not strong.
Child Loss
Not in vain
Why am I so quick to forget? To forget the lessons you taught me. I'm so sorry. As I stood in the shower filled with anxiety over something that has proven to be a common trigger for me, I felt like I had been hit on the head with my cast iron skillet. It's as … Continue reading Not in vain
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I still see you
I see you in that preschool hallway, dropping you off for your first day, and playing with your brother at recess, while sharing snacks on the drive home. I see you wrestling with your older brother and climbing into your baby brother's crib. I see you jumping into the pool with your water wings … Continue reading I still see you
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Watching the sun rise
Have you ever had those mornings in your life when you wake up and feel like you're stuck in a bad dream? Like your worst nightmare has become your reality? Like there's this shadow that can't, won't go away? His nose, it was so perfect. And his beautiful wafer like lips. His pronounced jawline just … Continue reading Watching the sun rise
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Older Than You Ever Were
Sixteen. The age my oldest brother died. I remember it being such a peculiar feeling when I turned sixteen, thinking about what it would be like if that was my last year of life, as it was for my brother. Then it was an even sadder, stranger feeling when I turned seventeen. I was now … Continue reading Older Than You Ever Were
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Jude Comes Home
My sweet son is here, Jude Daniel Glader. He's almost four weeks old as I write this. He's beautiful and healthy. Healthy. One word I took for granted with my first two babies and one word I will never take for granted again. Before and after I delivered Jude, I fielded the question, "Is this … Continue reading Jude Comes Home
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Tangible love for the invisible
As I look around at all of the gifts for care baskets accumulating and occupying more and more space in our office/playroom, I am reminded that without you, none of this would be here. It's not something we would have done anyway. Fundraising, shopping for great deals, preparing and delivering care baskets for families with … Continue reading Tangible love for the invisible
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The Pain and the Pretending
I don't talk about my dead son for sympathy votes or for attention. I don't talk about him to make you feel awkward. I want to talk about my son because he was, and always will be, my son. Parents typically love talking about their kids. That doesn't change just because they go up to … Continue reading The Pain and the Pretending
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God’s perfect plan?
I admit, I can't stomach Christian cliches much anymore. Like when people act like they aren't worried about something because "God is in control". Was God not in control the day I woke up to find my baby dead? Or when someone says, "It's just all a part of God's perfect plan". Really? Children being … Continue reading God’s perfect plan?
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Pregnancy after infant loss
Right after Josh died, we didn't know what we wanted. I didn't really want to think about another baby someday. My body was still making milk for the baby that wasn't here. I didn't want to even consider the question seriously until Joshua's one year birthday, but of course it was on my mind a … Continue reading Pregnancy after infant loss
