Sixteen. The age my oldest brother died. I remember it being such a peculiar feeling when I turned sixteen, thinking about what it would be like if that was my last year of life, as it was for my brother. Then it was an even sadder, stranger feeling when I turned seventeen. I was now … Continue reading Older Than You Ever Were
God’s perfect plan?
I admit, I can't stomach Christian cliches much anymore. Like when people act like they aren't worried about something because "God is in control". Was God not in control the day I woke up to find my baby dead? Or when someone says, "It's just all a part of God's perfect plan". Really? Children being … Continue reading God’s perfect plan?
A letter to my brother, 19 years later.
John, Has it really been 19 years? It doesn't seem real, when I see your face on the news, it always seems surreal. The day you left, my world was shattered. I bet you never would have guessed that millions would know your story. That with all of the evil that happened that day, even … Continue reading A letter to my brother, 19 years later.
To those walking into a nightmare.
I'm so sorry you are here, reeling from the surreal nightmare you can't wake up from. Shock. Numbness. I'm sorry that you now have to live the rest of your life without someone who fills up so much of your heart. You said goodbye not thinking he would be entering a war zone in his … Continue reading To those walking into a nightmare.
The Fourth Pallbearer
Planning Joshua's funeral was horrible. No one wants to think about planning their child's funeral service. All the decisions, all the expenses, all the talk about embalming and caskets. It's like planning a wedding except you only get a week or two, you are in a cloud of grief and shock, and at the end, … Continue reading The Fourth Pallbearer
It is a common misconception that the more media attention an individual or event gets, the more important it is. Why do so many people want to be on t.v.? Does the fact that they are on t.v. and watched by a large audience somehow make that person more important or valuable? Our society … Continue reading The Media
A broken heart is a broken heart, right? Or is it? No doubt about it, some types of suffering impact our lives much more than other types. For example, the death of a pet is painful, though it probably wouldn't impact and change our lives the way the death of a loved one might. However, … Continue reading Comparing Suffering
A noted child psychologist, Alan Wolfelt said, "Anyone old enough to love is old enough to grieve." I love this quote, probably because time and time again, I've had people ask me if I really understood what happened. In an article by Karen Carney, called "Children and Grief" she writes, "Some adults, perhaps to protect … Continue reading Grieving
The summer before John died, we went back to Wisconsin to visit for a couple weeks. When we lived there, my brothers and I were really close with the all of the neighborhood kids. We were a little clan that ran around the cul-de-sac. We would try to reconnect with all of our friends when … Continue reading Recommitment
Calling Evil by it’s name.
In wake of today's horrific shooting, I know many people will want to blame gun control, extremism, mental illness or whatever other excuses our society comes up with for none other than EVIL. Even Christians are hesitant to use the word evil. Why is that? The definition of the word evil is "profoundly immoral and … Continue reading Calling Evil by it’s name.