Sixteen. The age my oldest brother died. I remember it being such a peculiar feeling when I turned sixteen, thinking about what it would be like if that was my last year of life, as it was for my brother. Then it was an even sadder, stranger feeling when I turned seventeen. I was now … Continue reading Older Than You Ever Were
My sweet son is here, Jude Daniel Glader. He's almost four weeks old as I write this. He's beautiful and healthy. Healthy. One word I took for granted with my first two babies and one word I will never take for granted again. Before and after I delivered Jude, I fielded the question, "Is this … Continue reading Jude Comes Home
As I look around at all of the gifts for care baskets accumulating and occupying more and more space in our office/playroom, I am reminded that without you, none of this would be here. It's not something we would have done anyway. Fundraising, shopping for great deals, preparing and delivering care baskets for families with … Continue reading Tangible love for the invisible
I don't talk about my dead son for sympathy votes or for attention. I don't talk about him to make you feel awkward. I want to talk about my son because he was, and always will be, my son. Parents typically love talking about their kids. That doesn't change just because they go up to … Continue reading The Pain and the Pretending
I admit, I can't stomach Christian cliches much anymore. Like when people act like they aren't worried about something because "God is in control". Was God not in control the day I woke up to find my baby dead? Or when someone says, "It's just all a part of God's perfect plan". Really? Children being … Continue reading God’s perfect plan?
Right after Josh died, we didn't know what we wanted. I didn't really want to think about another baby someday. My body was still making milk for the baby that wasn't here. I didn't want to even consider the question seriously until Joshua's one year birthday, but of course it was on my mind a … Continue reading Pregnancy after infant loss
My sweet Josh, How has it already been one year without you? It doesn't feel like it could possibly have been a year but at the same time, it feels like lifetimes ago since I held you and breathed in your sweet aroma and kissed your feathery soft hair. Every day I walk into your … Continue reading A lifetime lived in one year
John, Has it really been 19 years? It doesn't seem real, when I see your face on the news, it always seems surreal. The day you left, my world was shattered. I bet you never would have guessed that millions would know your story. That with all of the evil that happened that day, even … Continue reading A letter to my brother, 19 years later.
In different times throughout my life I've struggled with the idea that the God of the entire universe truly cares for me. Sure, I believe He loves me, as in, He loves all people and that's why He sent His son to die for us. But does He really care about ME personally? There are … Continue reading Does God even care?
This is a poem my father-in-law wrote to Joshua after Josh went to be with Jesus. I thought it was a sweet tribute to him. 79 days plus two, we hardly knew you. We got to know you, Hold you, Rock you, Feed you, Too little time to actually know you. You were my little … Continue reading 79 days plus two