I admit, I can't stomach Christian cliches much anymore. Like when people act like they aren't worried about something because "God is in control". Was God not in control the day I woke up to find my baby dead? Or when someone says, "It's just all a part of God's perfect plan". Really? Children being … Continue reading God’s perfect plan?
Right after Josh died, we didn't know what we wanted. I didn't really want to think about another baby someday. My body was still making milk for the baby that wasn't here. I didn't want to even consider the question seriously until Joshua's one year birthday, but of course it was on my mind a … Continue reading Pregnancy after infant loss
My sweet Josh, How has it already been one year without you? It doesn't feel like it could possibly have been a year but at the same time, it feels like lifetimes ago since I held you and breathed in your sweet aroma and kissed your feathery soft hair. Every day I walk into your … Continue reading A lifetime lived in one year
In different times throughout my life I've struggled with the idea that the God of the entire universe truly cares for me. Sure, I believe He loves me, as in, He loves all people and that's why He sent His son to die for us. But does He really care about ME personally? There are … Continue reading Does God even care?
This is a poem my father-in-law wrote to Joshua after Josh went to be with Jesus. I thought it was a sweet tribute to him. 79 days plus two, we hardly knew you. We got to know you, Hold you, Rock you, Feed you, Too little time to actually know you. You were my little … Continue reading 79 days plus two
If I could say something to those of you who will, knowingly or unknowingly walk down the road of having to say goodbye to your child until you breathe your last, I am so so sorry you have to endure this pain. Even though it doesn't feel like it, you will survive. As much as … Continue reading To those who will walk in my shoes:
Surreal. Synonyms of surreal include unreal, bizarre, unusual, weird, strange, freakish, unearthly, uncanny, dreamlike. Have you ever looked back on your life or parts of your life and just felt like it was surreal? I've felt that a lot in my life, not only with the crazy circumstances of my brother's death but now, as I watched the news story of my son. I often think, … Continue reading Living life with open hands.
Before my son was born and throughout his short life, I would often search for inspiring stories of people with only one arm who conquered a sport or children with visual impairment who still made their dreams come true. I wanted my son to be the inspirational NICU story, who beat all the odds, and … Continue reading To the parents without a happy ending.
Oh how badly I wish this was your first Christmas with us, instead of your first Christmas in heaven. Although I can imagine the worship in heaven can't even compare to ours down here. Spending Christmas with Christ himself would be better than anything I could give you wrapped under the tree, but how my … Continue reading First Christmas in Heaven
Planning Joshua's funeral was horrible. No one wants to think about planning their child's funeral service. All the decisions, all the expenses, all the talk about embalming and caskets. It's like planning a wedding except you only get a week or two, you are in a cloud of grief and shock, and at the end, … Continue reading The Fourth Pallbearer