Five years ago today, I woke up to find your warm body, still. After waking up suddenly, lurching out of bed, I still believe it was my soul sensing yours had left. I still wish you were here. Your gap in our lives is blaring to me every time I count your siblings to make sure they are all here, my mind whispers, “you’re missing one”. Every time I speak my children’s ages and have to skip over yours, the gap screams at me. That stupid, piercing gap that I can’t escape. You left a hole in our hearts that day, that frankly, will never be filled. I hate that.

I wonder endlessly what your personality would be like now, what you’d look like and how you’d fit into the Glader sibling dynamic. I have a feeling you would have stirred up some trouble, but only because you stirred up so much in your short time here:)

I recently read Tim Tebow’s book Mission Possible. In the end he shares Ethan Hallmark’s story. He was a nine year old boy diagnosed with cancer, a cancer that came and went for four years before taking his life. Ethan said, “It doesn’t matter if you live to be one or one hundred. What matters is what you did for Christ.” Even though you never spoke a word, Josh, God used your brief time here with us to tug on people’s heart strings. Everybody who knew you in that hospital loved you and was rooting for you and praying for you. I think you brought people closer to God just by how many sought God on your behalf. We thought we were praying for God to change your life, but he was changing our lives through you.

Ethan also said, “Even the smallest amount of light can beat the darkest darkness.” That’s you Joshua, you were this light in our lives, and just like the eternal flame, your light will never go out in us. I will always love you.

2 Samuel 12:23

“I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

See you in paradise my handsome son.