Not in vain

IMG_0488(1)Why am I so quick to forget? To forget the lessons you taught me. I’m so sorry.

As I stood in the shower filled with anxiety over something that has proven to be a common trigger for me,  I felt like I had been hit on the head with my cast iron skillet.

It’s as if you were speaking to me, reminding me. Reminding me of almost three years ago now, when I was worried about the same thing. I remember telling myself as you lay on my chest, that I needed to be in the present. To focus on that moment and not all the future “what-if’s”.  Even as my anxiety overwhelmed my spirit, I remember that moment with you. For once, I obeyed my own command to soak in that moment. To lean into the weight of you on my chest and the feel of your soft skin. To be lulled by your steady breathing and the peace I had when you were in my arms. To enjoy you, at that moment and not be pulled into the tornado of worries that swirled constantly in my mind.

Thank you for reminding me. I will not let your life be in vain. I won’t let the lessons I learned be forgotten when it’s easier to let myself worry. No. I will fight. This will be a year I fight against living in fear. The year I fight against worry and anxiety and living in the world where every worst case scenario comes true. Your life was too precious, for me to throw away the treasures of wisdom I found. Keep reminding me my son.

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