In different times throughout my life I’ve struggled with the idea that the God of the entire universe truly cares for me. Sure, I believe He loves me, as in, He loves all people and that’s why He sent His son to die for us. But does He really care about ME personally? There are so many people with so many other bigger problems than me, why would He care about my issues? Does He really care about the details of my life?

This question became even louder, however, when I watched my baby suffer for almost three months in the hospital. Prayer is one of those topics I have a really hard time understanding and grasping. When we found out at our 20 week ultrasound that Joshua had health issues and would at the very least have only one arm and one working kidney, I was so scared. I have always had faith in God and I trusted that He would help us get through whatever lay ahead, but I was also terrified, because I knew that just because God was in control, didn’t mean He didn’t allow tragic events to happen. Just because you pray for safety for your loved ones, doesn’t mean God will always protect them. God being in control doesn’t mean He doesn’t allow His children to suffer.

Hundreds of people were praying for Josh since that 20 week appointment, and after that appointment were many, many more, that left more questions than answers. When Joshua was born, we thought our questions would be answered, but instead we kept getting more and more surprises. God seemed to be distant and silent when we prayed so much for Joshua, and then we found out he would not only have only one arm, but that his only arm had no functioning thumb. After that we found out that he would also be mostly blind, if not completely blind. His list of anomolies grew and grew. It felt like God didn’t care. Why wasn’t He answering our prayers? My father in law made a comment that it felt like all of our prayers were hitting the ceiling and coming back down. Ever felt that way?

After we wrapped our minds around those bits of news, we became hopeful for his future. He passed his hearing test and his MRI came back normal. Good news! Then we found out at 6 weeks old that his trachea was so narrow, he only had a chance of surviving with a risky surgery. Our prayers were answered though! He came out of the surgery alive and despite a 6 minute CPR episode a couple days after surgery because of a freak accident with his tubing, he continued to heal over the course of the next several weeks. I armed myself with a file folder to organize all of his health records and information and appointments. We had to follow up with the cardiologist, pulmonologist, ear/nose/throat doctor, cleft palate surgeon, optometrist, opthomologist, GI, kidney, pediatrician, geneticist and orthopedic surgeon, along with many therapists along the way. The future was scary and overwhelming but he was coming home! God answered our prayer of his coming home. I thought for sure that God wouldn’t let Joshua live through all of that, to just die. Then just a day and a half later, I was handing my baby over to the coroner.

Wait, what? Why? Why would God let an innocent, precious baby, suffer for 79 days in the hospital, only to die after a day at home? What was the purpose? Was there a purpose? Did God even care? Why does God perform miracles on some babies, yet God didn’t seem to intervene in my baby’s life? I’ve struggled with this, because deep down I know God cares for us and that He cared for Joshua. The only answer that makes sense to me is that God allowed Joshua to live at all because it’s all part of a bigger story, a bigger plan, that I may never know, until I get to hug my son again. It’s made me want to search the Scripture for evidence of not just a loving God, but a God that cares deeply for each and every life. Here’s what I found:

Matthew 18:12-35