I’m so sorry you are here, reeling from the surreal nightmare you can’t wake up from. Shock. Numbness. I’m sorry that you now have to live the rest of your life without someone who fills up so much of your heart. You said goodbye not thinking he would be entering a war zone in his very own school. You said goodbye, wishing with all of yourself you could have protected her, taken her place.

How did the nightly news become your story, your life? Phone calls from reporters, interviews, finding pictures for the media to use of your loved one. You’re in shock and pretty soon will be forced to plan a funeral, all because one person decided your loved one didn’t deserve to live anymore. Teenagers will go to more funerals than they ever should have to. Strangers will think they know how it all could have been prevented, but that isn’t going to bring him back. Don’t let anger get a foothold in your heart, because once it does it can start to take control. Forgiveness doesn’t need to be asked for, to be given.

I’m so sorry you have to walk this road. People will say they don’t know how you do it, but you weren’t given a choice.  I’m not going to lie and say the days ahead won’t be filled with tangible heartache and deep anguish. Your soul has been pierced with grief, with longing for the one you love and absolutely nothing will soothe that ache, will make you not hurt any less. Just put one foot in front of the other. It’s ok to just survive right now. Lean into the ones around you. I just wish I could take away your pain.

As time goes on, even though everything in you feels that the entire world should just sit still, you will start to live again. You will genuinely laugh again. There is hope for your aching heart. His name is Jesus and He promises eternal life to all those who trust in His name.

You won’t get over this, you won’t ever stop longing for your loved one. You won’t ever stop loving them or missing them, so ignore everyone who has never walked this road and tells you it’s time to move on. They are a part of you and nothing will ever change that. Keep their memory alive in the beautiful way you live your new life, doing everything you can to honor their memory. Life will never be the same, it will never be ‘as it should be’, but in time, sorrow will plant a seed in your soul that can bloom into greater compassion, empathy, character and hope. Just keep swimming, you may get tired and it may feel like forever, but gradually those waters will get calmer and a bit less murky.

Love,

Someone who lost a piece of her heart in the Columbine High School Shooting.