I prayed for miracles for Josh. When we knew about only his arm and kidney, I prayed he would be born whole. When we found out about his eyes, I prayed he would have vision. When we found out about his trachea, I prayed that a solution could be found through surgery. I prayed that we would get to take Josh home one day. God answered that prayer, but when he died a day and a half after coming home, I sometimes questioned if God had heard my prayers.

We just recently got back Joshua’s autopsy reports. It turns out there were more anomalies to add to his list. The one that stood out to me was that his lungs weren’t quite formed normally. Add to that, his tracheal stenosis and it shocks me Josh could breathe on his own at all, let alone survive three surgeries and countless procedures and even manage to bottle feed some. Essentially, my baby was living each day breathing through a hollow toothpick. This is a CT scan of his trachea. It’s all supposed to be the size of the upper portion.

We frequently told the nurses and doctors that he was our miracle baby, and he was. God didn’t give me the miracle I wanted, but what a shame it would be for me to miss the miracle He did give me. I carried Joshua to term, he made it to 38 weeks despite severe polyhydraminos. He survived childbirth. I’d say he was even thriving after the first week in the NICU. He spent three weeks on no oxygen. He recovered from pnuemonia and survived a slide tracheoplasty. It’s a miracle Josh got to a point in his recovery where doctors let him come home. I got to take my baby home. Some mothers never get to do that.

I had prayed since Joshua kicked inside me, that our child would be born in the way that would bring God the most glory. Honestly, this isn’t the way I thought the story would end, but I’m so grateful that I got to experience a miracle.

I’ll love you forever my brave boy.