I call it the impossible question to answer. Can you guess what it is? I’m sure many of you have been in my same position, but maybe your circumstances look a little different. Maybe you have a chronic illness or take care of your child with special needs. Maybe you struggle with depression or anxiety or a traumatic past. Do you struggle to answer this question as well? Over the last month and a half, I have felt grateful because many people have texted, called or asked me this question in person, “How are you doing?”. I’m sorry if I seem to dodge the question. I just frankly have no idea how to answer it.
Do I say I’m doing ok if I can function during the day and even laugh and take joy in the antics of my children? Am I doing ok if I have playdates with friends and make time to take care of myself? But then if I say I am doing ok, am I conveniently leaving out the parts of my day where my mind takes me back to holding his lifeless body on my back deck and kissing his cold cheeks, telling him goodbye? Do I tell you about the many days I replay giving him CPR and if I should I have taken him into the doctor his last day of life? Do I share the agonizing pain I feel when another mom snuggles her baby close to her chest or how I quickly avert my eyes when I pass the baby aisle at the grocery store? When I see a sleeping infant in a car seat, my first thought is, is he breathing? I think about Joshua all the time and many times, random times throughout the day, I am moved to tears. The next moment however, I may be laughing and enjoying the company of friends and family.
When you loved someone and wanted someone with every fiber of your being, they are etched on your soul and intertwined into everything you do. I can’t imagine a day going by where I won’t think of Joshua and imagine him alongside my other children.
So how am I doing? I’m still breathing, still putting one foot in front of the other, still LIVING, but I carry Joshua with me throughout each day and I will continue to, until we meet again.
This is a picture of one of the only days I got to lay skin to skin with him and he absolutely loved it! One of my most treasured memories.